The White Man's Burden (2008 Version)

Thanks for all the tips, I tried my best to change it a bit so that the rhyme works. You all were right when the rhyming seemed forced, that was because this was a school assignment to rewrite the White Man's Burden so that it was about Iraq whether you supported it or not. I've had time now to fix it and I hope it is better. Thanks again to everyone.

*hands out cookies*

I read "the white man's burden" for english (honestly I would think it features in every post-colonial syllabus around these days), loving the original. I like your adaptation, though it's probably less about race than cultural elitism.

Rhymin' clause with political claws was forced.
Other than that everything seems to have been well and truly picked up.

The opening and closing lines where fantastic (I thought they were the strongest elements of the poem).

Now, to everyone else:

While it's great that everyone's getting fired up about this (it is, after all, political expression), I would point out that we have at least two debate threads concerning the Iraq war: if you want to debate the topic addressed here, join the debate group. Critiques should, if possible, be limited to the literate qualities of the piece.

Charliebo; I think you in particular need to be careful about how you address the views of other members of the forum.

I am, however, not the site admin so you are under no prescription to obey.

Rubric

hello.
well, i think that you've touched a nerve! But i think it's good of you to post what you believe and challenge things. People need to challenge things or else nothing changes. However, there are a few things poetically that i think you should change. Your rhythm is a bit choppy, and rhythm is as important as ever in a rhyming poem.

Take up the White Man’s burden, - i think this is a strong line

To Iraq where heathens roam. - you use 'heathens' again later,
and i think you should change a least one of them.

Send [s]forth[/s] the best women and men, - the rhythm on this line
needs cleaning up a little

Don’t bother to bring them home. - another good line. I like this one.

Why would we need them[s]?[/s], -maybe i'm just being
picky, but i think it might be 'should' instead of 'would'. Maybe, but i'm not sure

[s]Why keep them[/s]safe here, in loving arms?

-that seems to make the rhythm a little more constant. Obviously, you
don't have to change it to that - it's just a suggestion

When they can be off to war,

And bring foreigners harm. - eek, i don't know what to suggest
in this line - the rhyme is very awkward. I think you should consider
rewording it. also, i think that these last two lines, personally, are
slighly odd compared to the rest of the poem. Would you really say
that people would rather that the army were at war? I'm not sure if
that's true. I think that the government is maybe just a little inconsiderate
for letting people die out there. I don't know. It's totally your opinion.



Take up the White Man’s burden,

Attack Iraq [s]for no reason[/s]without a cause. -nice internal
rhyming. rhythm still a little odd, though

They’re not like us, [s]so why bother?[/s]they're evil -huh? that
last bit doesn't make sense!

[s]Just shoot the different heathens.[/s]without morals or laws.

- that's just my suggestion. I just think that the rhyming gets a little
wobbly here, and it's not a good idea to reuse the word heathen, as it's noticable.

Their culture [s]to us[/s] is all so wrong to us, - it seems
more comfortable to read when it's that way round. What do you think?

Their government, [s]was[/s] full of hacks. - i don't think you need the was

Does that give us the right to conquer?

Aren’t we just as bad right back? - the rhyming still seems
forced here. If you're happy with it, don't worry about it, but
other wise, i suggest that you reword it.



Take up the White Man’s burden,

Send troops to a better cause. - another great line, although,
what would the troops be doing if they weren't invading iraq? The 'better'
is debatable, as there doesn't seem to be anything else for them to be doing!

America is okay, with debt

[s]With all the[/s] pollution, [s]debt, and[/s] political claws....
- i'm not entirely sure what political claws means, but it might be an
american phrase, so i've left it alone! lol. Also, not only does it help
the rhythm to take out the and, but also, it makes it into a continual
sort of list, in the sense that there are other problems but they may
be too many to list. if you want to change it back, by all means, do!
It's just a suggestion for ya.

They need our help more,

Since they were happy in their land…

That means we have to go over

And spoil their joyful sand. - personally, i think that you
should take this whole stanza out. It doesn't seem to serve a purpose
and, to me, it doesn't seem to be as good a standard the others. up to you.



Take up the White Man’s burden,

[s]Cower[/s] hide behind [s]your[/s] charitable lies, -this line
is great, and 'cower' is a really good word, but the rhythm just doesn't allow
it. It's a shame because the word itself fits well in the sentence.

Since you don’t fight for God anymore,

He shows the truth [s]in[/s] through your evil eyes.
- hm. An interesting set of lines. I don't neceassarily agree
with them. Still, it is your poem.

Take on your so called “burdens”

And go on their land and tread.

Don’t worry about your homeland,

America is already dead. - absolutely sensational last stanza.
Excellent! Don't change a bit. it's a very powerful end to a powerful poem

To tell you the truth, I'm pretty unbiased to this. I rarely pay attention to war and all that... it's why I don't really like watching the news. It gets depressing.

But what I can say is that you conveyed your opinions really well. If there's one thing I know, it's that America needs to get back on track, and that is the only thing I can truly agree with right now.

But, enough of that. Let's talk about your poem.
Now like I said before, you conveyed your opinions well. You are a good writer. What I don't see here is something to back it up. Opinions need reasonable explanations, right? Whether someone agrees or not, it's always a good thing to explain. grey ghost shared their opinion and had explanations for them, which I consider decent. In my opinion, you could tell me anything you wanted, but if you don't give a reasonable explanation, expect it to go through the other ear.

And that's what I got from your poem... all these words, but no substance. No feeling. Try elaborating more and explaining why you feel that way.

That's the best advice I can give you.

Glad to meet ya, and PM me if you decide to edit this, please.

Hey great poem. Expresses your opinion very well and in such away that we can see the writer is open to many views and has thought of the issues the poem is addressing.
As a poem it flows well and is beautifully lyrical. At some points the rhyme is lost but this may have been your choice as a writer and I don’t think it takes away from the poem.

As for some of the comments people have made, (and I know this is the wrong place for this ) of course the war in Iraq is killing innocent people not all Iraqi’s are terrorist. Do you know what a terrorist is? Nelson Mandela was branded a terrorist but he was right and the South African government was wrong at the time.
It would be nice to know how America is helping Iraq all they care about is oil if they was no oil they would not be in Iraq
Also did you know that because of all the war, a chemical is being left in the air of Iraq which is damaging young children and unborn babies, who become deformed. is that not killing innocent children. Is that not wiping out a generation of innocent Iraqis
Pease note: when the rich wage war its the poor who dies (who is gona come up on top in the end?)

I totally agree with you. This was a good poem. It really refects on your depth. The nothing really to say because you are on point with this poem.

Wow. This is a wonderful poem hands down. You had such a great concept of Iraq and the war. I do have a problem,however with some of your statements. I don't really think we're killing the innocent, I mean isn't that what we went over there to stop. The terrorists were not only attacking us, but killing innocent people. Sure I might be young, but I skipped a few grades and I think I have a good view of the war.
Besides all of this- your poem was excellentlly written. The flow was great and I didn't detect a moment of awkwardness. Two thumbs up.

Hey there, and welcome to YWS! I don't hang around the poetry forums much, so I won't be much good at this... hmm... critiquing poetry is very different to critiquing fiction, but I'll give it my best shot...

Right, so I'm just going to put your whole poem here... my comments are in bold...

Take up the White Man’s burden,
To Iraq where heathens roam.
Send forth the best women and men,
Don’t bother to bring them home.
Why would we need them?
Why keep them in loving arms?
When they can be off to war,
And bring foreigners harm. "to harm" will help the rhythm I think

Take up the White Man’s burden,
And attack Iraq for no reason.
They’re not like us, so why bother? why bother what? not sure about this line.
Just shoot the different heathens.
Their culture to us is all wrong,
Their government was full of hacks.
Does that give us the right to conquer? You've slipped out of your sarcasm thing here. Try something like "Doesn't that mean we can conquer? And be just as bad back?" See what I mean?
Aren’t we just as bad back?

Take up the White Man’s burden,
Send troops to a better cause.
America is okay, this line is too short, it disrupts the flow
With all the pollution, debt, and political claws. as the other one was too short, this one is too long. Even them out
They need our help more,
Since they were happy in their land…
That means we have to go over
And spoil their joyful sand. Uh... joyful sand?

Take up the White Man’s burden,
Cower behind your charitable lies,
Since you don’t fight for God anymore,
He shows the truth in your evil eyes. Don't call them "evil", it makes you prejudiced rather than opinionated. Find another word
Take on your so called “burdens”
And go on their land and tread.
Don’t worry about your homeland,
America is already dead.

Take up the White Man’s burden,
Leave your morals behind.
We know no truth,
We know no rights or wrongs.
Instead we hide our greed,
And send innocents to the front lines,
And make the shout, “For Freedom!”
When slavery is the real prize.
Yeah, this stanza needs work. The thing is, if you're going to rhyme, the whole thing needs to rhyme

Overall, I agree with you . I'm not an American citizen, but I do think the US should stop sticking its nose in and concentrate on the problems it has at home. As should Britain...

I did think that your rhyming and rhythm could do with some work. However, you got your opinions across well. I actually thought that you could end without the last stanza, leave it out altogether, "America is already dead" is a nice way to end.

Anyway, hope I've given you a little help!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

hi Jaden G.
I liked your poem and yes, i do agree with you. (Even though Iam not american or from Iraq)

here are a few things I noticed.

Their culture to us is all wrong,

Their culture, to us, is all wrong

Since they were happy in their land…

When slavery is the real prize.

They need our help more,
Since they were happy in their land…

don't mean to bash on your views,but i have to on this one.

we aren't killing innocent civilians over there. we are killing terrorists. the terrorists are the ones killing innocent civilians. also, if we pull out, guess what? 9-11 only alot worse.

and guess what what else? we didn't rip people out of there families and force them over there. they joined the army and the marines and they knew they were going to fight.

also, we're putting others first. that's a good thing. and, the terrorists spoiled their "joyful sand" we went over to help.

Evil?!?!? what evil?!?!? we're helping people, is that bad????last time i checked the bible(and i do every day) helping is good.

GAH!!!!!!!!!!

sorry....I had to....just gets me so mad. good rhyming though.

-ghost-